


If Connor Surrived

by CreatorAnimator



Category: Unspecified Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-01 12:18:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14520399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreatorAnimator/pseuds/CreatorAnimator
Summary: So this is me writing from the future from way after I finished this:I really don't like this fic, it was the first fic I wrote on this site and it's really cringyand also I was still pretty new to the fandomso if you are clicking on the fic then I warned you, it's not very good





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to update this every weekend, currently, I'm working with Japo_Chan23 to make a collab fic called "Dear Jeremy Heere" and that is my main focus rn, sorry!
> 
> Warning: Mentions of suicide

"Hey, Evan," Jared walked over to Evan who was sitting in the library at a desk doing homework. He had the lesson notes for a class hr missed because of a therapy class. "Did you hear what happened to Connor Murphy?" Jared pulled out a chair and sat down. He put his backpack on the table next to Evan’s books.

"C-Connor?" Evan winced a bit. Jared got out his phone and started to search for something on it.

"The one who pushed you then signed your cast?" Jared reminded him without looking up.

"O-oh, it wasn't-I didn't know-never mind. I haven't seen him around lately?" Evan fiddled with the pencil in his hand. Jared showed Evan a picture of Zoe’s snapchat of Connor in the hospital.

"I’m not gonna joke about this, cause it’s serious and stuff but... Connor, he failed a suicide attempt." Evan felt a chill down his back and grabbed onto the hum of his shirt.

“I-I’m sorry… I d-don’t know what to say…” He looked down at his cast. “... that’s really sad… I’m sorry.”

"Don’t be sorry. I guess your boyfriend didn't tell you." Jared cocked an eyebrow.

"H-he's not my b-boyfriend! Where just... friends." Evan didn't want to think about not having friends right now. _He probably hates me because of what happened in the computer lab…_ Most of his memories from the first day of school where fuzzy, so he doesn't remember much about what he said. He just remembers Connor signing his cast, then running off with his therapy note.

"Sureeeeeeee." Jared stood up. "And I don't eat bath bombs."

"Y-you what?!"

"I'm joking Evan... kinda." Evan furrowed his eyebrows. "Anyways, tell your mom to say to my mom that we hung out or something."

 

* * *

 

 

Connor laid in his bed, spread out with his hair full of knots and tears. He was dehydrated from all the tears. He didn't like to be seen crying, it made him look week he thought. Connor looked over at the doorway of his room, where there used to be a door.

"Why can't I have a bit of fucking privacy?!" He yelled.

"Cause we have to keep an eye on you so you don't do anything stupid," Zoe yelled from her room.

"You're stupid," Connor yelled back, but Zoe didn't answer. He walked over to his bed and sat down on an old shirt. He took the folded up note from his pocket.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

turns out that today wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?

I know because there's someone, and all my hope is pinned on that someone, who I don’t even know and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to ~~him~~ them. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.

I wish I was apart if something. I wish that what I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it. Would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Your most best, and dearest friend me.

 

Thank god no one found the note. They would probably think that that was his suicide note or something. He has read it a million times but kept if for some reason. The line “Maybe if I could just talk to him them” confused him. _Does Evan have a crush on a boy and tried to hide it? Did he use the wrong pronoun for them?_ Evan typed this letter and purposely crossed out “him”. So what did he mean by it? _Nevermind I don’t fucking care… I guess._ He folded it back into his pocket. Connor lay on his bed and looked up at his broken ceiling fan. That was a stupid thing that he did. Half of him wished that he never did it, the other half wished that it worked and Zoe wasn’t there to find him and take him to the hospital. He walked over to Zoe's room, she was typing something on her laptop.

"What do you want?" She snapped.

"Do you know Evan Hansen?" Connor said in the doorway of her room. A pause.

"Yea? The kid you pushed for no reason?" She didn't look up.

"I didn't- just shut up." Connor shoved his hands in his pockets and looked down the hallway.

"Then why did you walk into my room?" She looked up this time. Connor almost yelled at her then and left. But he didn't. He ignored what she said. A pause.

"I, uh... I think I-"

"Do you have a crush on him?!" She said. Connor felt a blush spread across his face. He turned to close the door to try to hide it. Zoe closed her laptop and put it aside.

"I guess- You are not allowed to make fucking fun of me through okay?!" He took a deep breath and sat down next to her on her bed. "I... fuck, this is so gay."

"Yea, it is."

"Shut up you little shit" Connor looked away and brought his knees to his chest. Zoe leaned over to get his attention.

"Hey, you were the one who came into my room. If you want my help you have to be nice about it."

"You sound like mom." She gave him a look. Another pause. "Fine, I just, I just want this to fucking work or something." Zoe sighed.

"Well, then you have to be nice to him and apologize." She took out a pen from her pencil case next to her and started to scribble stars on the cuffs of her jeans.

"F-for what? I didn't do anything to him!" Connor snapped. Zoe looked at the paper in his jacket pocket, then cocked an eyebrow. "What? I didn't-"

"I saw you run out of the computer lab with a paper and Evan walking behind, but then he gave up once you were halfway down the hall." She said. "Is that his paper?" Connor didn't answer. He just stood there and put his hands in his pockets. "What made you run out of the lab with that paper?!"

"Look, it's a really long story that I do not feel like telling right now, so just fuck off."

"First thing's first; you can't swear like that around Evan. I'll make him anxious."

"Really? Everything makes that boy anxious." Connor leaned against the wall.

"Then why do you like him so much?"

"Because..."

(Continued on next chapter.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry, this is my first time making a fanfic on here, sorry that it's short and stuff. I really like this so far so... um... I don't know what else to say.... uh... thanks?


	2. If I Could Tell Him

"I-I think he is awesome..."

"Awesome, my brother thinks someone is awesome?"

"Definitely."

"How?"

Well, I think, there's nothing like Evan's smile, sort of subtle and perfect and real.

I think you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.

And I know whenever he gets anxious he tugs on the hum of his shirt

And I noticed that he still fill out the letters that he does for his therapy class.

But I kept it all inside my head and I don't want to leave it unsaid.

And though I want to He can't talk to him

I can't find the way, But can always say,

If I could tell him, everything I see

If I could tell him how he's everything to me.

But we're a million worlds apart

And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him

If I could tell him

"Is there anything else?"

"About him?"

"Never mind, I don't really care anyways."

"No no no, im just trying to make it not so gay... so, um..."

I think he looked really pretty, er, It looked pretty cool when he let me sign his name on his cast.

And I wonder how he learned everything about trees and how he is still an outcast.

But I kept it all inside my head and I don't want to leave it unsaid.

If I could tell her tell her everything I see

If I could tell him, everything I see

If I could tell him how he's everything to me.

But we're a million worlds apart

And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him

If I could tell him  
If I could tell him

But what do you do when there's this great divide?

He just seems so far away

And what do you do when the distance is too wide?

It's like I don't know anything

And how do you say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

But we're a million worlds apart

And I don't know how I would even start

If I could tell him... If I could

"You're so gay for Evan."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll post next chapter soon.


	3. Making Things Right

Connor walked to school that day. He wore his regular hoodie, ripped black jeans, and his boots. He actually brushed his hair this morning because it was annoying him and he didn't want to look too sloppy. He put his hands in his pockets and noticed that he still had the note in the pocket. _Dammit. I should have left this at home or something_. He took it out and put it into his bag with his sketchbook, laptop, and miscellaneous notebooks and stuff for school. Connor walked down the same hallway he did on the first day of school, and of course, Evan was there as well.

"Oh, hey Evan." Connor stopped in the middle of the hallway. This kinda surprised Evan, making him drop some of his books. Connor winced. _Shit did I scare him or something? Of_ course _you did, all you do is his push him and take his papers._

"Oh-OH! Hi Connor..." Evan bent down to pick up a book. "Um, uh... how are you doing? I-I heard some rumors that y-you..." Connor bent down to help him.

"It's fine, I don't want to talk about it right now." Connor handed Evan a book, which he then tucked into his bag. "So um, what class do you have next?"

"Oh, um, s-science. Room 132?" Evan nodded. They both started to walk down the hallway together. Connor looked at Evan's cast. It still had his name spread across it. He was surprised that Evan didn't try to wash it off. _You can't get your cast wet I guess, nor wash off a sharpie._

"I guess I'll tag along." He looked over at Evan for a response, but all he could manage to say was a little, oh. "Is that a problem or anything?" Connor hated the tone of his voice.

"N-no, not at all, it's j-just that," Evan tugged on the hum of his shirt. "Don't you have the classes that you need to go to?"

"Yep," Connor popped the p. "but I feel like hanging out with you right now." They didn't talk too much while walking through the hallways. There wasn't too much to talk about.

"Um, uh-sorry if that sounded mean..." Evan said looking at his shoes. Connor gave a little, hm? "I-I mean when I asked about y-you going to you c-classes? I didn't mean for it to sound like I-I didn't want your company, s-sorry, I'm just not used to having friends?" He let out a nervous chuckle."S-sorry-"

"It's fine. You have to stop apologizing." Connor stated.

"Uh, um sor-" Connor cocked an eyebrow before laughing.

"You're so precious." Both their faces turned bright red.

"Wa-what?"

"I-I said poignant shut up!" Connor followed Evan into his science class. Zoe just so happened to walk by.

"OoOoOo chemistry!" She teased as Connor flipped her off. Luckily Evan didn't hear her, nor see what Connor did in response. They walked in and took the science table all the way in the back. Evan pulled out a spiral notebook with 'SCIENCE' labeled on the front. Connor pulled out his sketchbook, so at least it kinda looked like he was doing work. Connor wanted to draw Evan but didn't want to look like a creep. He didn't want to ask, because that would make him more anxious and tense. He looked around the classroom for something interesting to draw. He avoided eye contact with the teacher, to avoid a conversation about why he wasn't in his correct class. He looked over at Evan, eagerly taking notes about whatever the teacher was saying. Evan's face was sprinkled with beautiful freckles that Connor somehow didn't notice before. He didn't realize he was staring

"C-Connor? Do I have something on my face-"

"No, sorry I just zoned out." Connor turned away to hide his blush.

"Oh, uh its fine," Evan looked at Connor's sketchbook. "Oh, I like your drawings..." Evan said. Connor looked at a bookshelf he was drawing.

"Thanks. There's nothing really interesting to draw here though" Connor finished his sketch.

"D-do you-can you draw trees?"

"Trees?" _Wait. What. Was Evan asking he drew-_

"Yea, y-you know like plants. Oak, redwood, pine. What did you think I was talking about?" _\---- me with a spork he is spork he too_ precious _._

"Uh, nothing... do you like, have a favorite kind or anything?" _\---- that was a stupid question._

"Well, yea actually!" And Evan continued to talk about his favorite kinds of trees and they type of bark and stuff they had for the rest of science class. Connor then was drawing all kinds of trees in his sketchbook, with Evan giving the descriptions of each one. The teacher didn't seem to mind, half the class wasn't listing anyways. Connor drew leaves, full trees, small trees, and all sorts of plants. What he really wanted to draw, was Evan. I _can't do that, it'll look like I'm some creep or something._ He looked over at Evan, who was going on about plants and his forest expertise. He never saw a simile so, suttle, and perfect, and real. _I wonder what his lips-WAIT WHAT. NO. I was NOT just thinking that... I was just thinking... if he_ _needs chapstick! Yea... stop being so gay._ Connor felt his face lit up. He turned to his bag to hide his blush.

"Uh, yea, here lemme just grab an eraser," Connor murmured, pretending to look through his bag.

"Isn't there one on your pencil?" Evan asked. Connor took out a needed eraser.

"Yea, but um, this one's better. It's for sketching and doing line art for stuff." _shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit-_

"Oh um, cool." The bell rang for period one to be over. They both stood up and began to pack their stuff. "I-I um, forgot to take notes," Evan panicked a bit.

"It's fine I have them."

"You do?"

"Nope." Connor popped the p. They got their things together and left the classroom. Evan fidgeted with the string on his backpack while they walked. _Is he anxious right now? Am I making him anxious?_ Connor assumed he was always this anxious. He didn't know if he wanted to believe that. Connor zoned our listing to Evan ramble about something until Jared came into view. 

"Wow, is it possible to be so gay? Since this morning I haven't seen you two apart! Even when I passed Evan's science class I saw you two together." Evan winced. He opened his mouth then shut it again.

"Shut up Jared." Connor almost yelled. He would if Evan wasn't shaking a bit next to him.

"Wow, having your boyfriend defend you, great job on the confidence stuff Evan."

"He-he isn't my boyfriend. He's just a friend." Evan stated. "M-maybe you should find y-yourself one too." Both Jared and Connor were in shock. "Wh-what? I-I can d-do more t-than just s-sutt-tter." 

"ANYWAY, Jared eat shit." Connor blurted while he took Evan by the arm to get out of that situation. They were near Connor's locker when he realized he was still holding Evan's arm. He let go, which made Evan flinch a bit. "Yea, uh, I have to get a thing." _Shit, I don't have to actually get anything_. Turns out that Connor just tried to get out of that area and decided to go to his locker. Connor started to fiddle with the lock on his locker. "So, um, do you have a place you go climbing trees or something?" _Wow, real smooth Connor._

"K-kida, over the s-summer I, um went to a place for a forest camp thing. A-around the countryside? It's about a t-thirty-minute drive, we c-could go after school if you'd like?" Connor blinked at him _. Like a date?_

"We could go right now if you want." Connor blurted. _Basically a date._

"N-now? Wouldn't that b-be skipping class?"

"Yea, no, it would be doing math in the forest-of corse it would be skipping class," Connor said sarcastly. "I do it all the time. All you have to do is leave when no one's looking." Evan tugged on the hum of his shirt.

"I don't want to get in troubble..." Connor sighed.

"It's fine, just say that it's a theropy thing. Trust me, they don't take atendence much, or even care if seniors show up." Evan hesatated. 

"Um... ok I guess?" Connor ended up not getting anything from his locker. He looked down the hall. Not many people left. They are all heading to their seccond period class now. He looked down the other direction. There was an exit next to the gym. Connor and Evan began to wak down the hallway, pretending to go to the gym, then ran out the exit. They were in the parking lot. Connor ran tward's his car, Evan followed swiftly. Connor reached for the keys in his bag and unlocked the doors. They both got in.

"I didn't think you'd keep up as fast as you did." Connor blurted. 

"N-no slipping up if you slip away," Evan stated. He picked at his cast a bit. Connor started the car and drove out of the parking lot of the school. He stopped at a light.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter was getting a bit long, so I had to cut it a bit short. Thanks!


	4. Two Bros, Sittin in a Forsest, Snuggling Together Cause they're real Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long to update, I was working on it and the site crashed halfway though.

"So, where is this forest you went to over the summer?" Connor asked. "Oh, um, take a  right here." Evan proceeded to give directions and stories about his time there. He talked about being one of the counselors, but then getting too anxious to help little children around, so he just kinda hung out. He talked about the little races and games the kids played and how they looked like they were having so much fun. "Yea, I never really had any friends except Jared, but he's a family friend, it's different."  _ That fucking sucks. _

"That fucking sucks." Connor blurted. "I don't have any real friend either." Evan blinked at him.

"Y-yea, I guess it does, s-sorry." Evan held his breath.

"Why are you sorry?" Connor gripped the wheel.

"um," Evan hesitated. "s-sor-I mean, um, uh-" He started to breath faster, at an alarming rate.

"It's fine, just relax." Evan took a deep breath, held it in for four seconds, then let it out. He repeated this until he was breathing normally again.  _ Man, he gets anxious a lot, like really fast too..  _ Connor remembered when he used to always feel like that, then he grew to not care. Everything seemed to be better when he was a kid. He didn’t fight too much with Zoe, for example. But now things are complicated and now Connor’s almost out of high school. They didn't talk much for most of the car ride. Just Evan giving directions and a few things here and there. The city slowly faded away into the distance as they drove out into the country. Connor didn’t like the silence, it was awkward. "You can put on some music if you'd like?" Connor offered.

"Um, I don't really listen to t-to much music," Evan mumbled. "b-but I kinda like i-instrumentals?" 

"Well, that's not really on the ratio," Connor smirked. He had an emo edgy phase in middle school and the only music he would listen to was My Chemical Romance. He still had a few of the CDs for his car, but no one uses CDs anymore. He mainly kept them for the memories of when he could turned his life around and not do the things he did. “Uh, what middle school did you go to?” Connor blurted.  _ Fucking god I sound like a freshman. _

“Uh, um, Louis Armstrong Middle School?” Evan said. “In Queens?”

“Oh, cool.” Connor continued. “I did too... um, yea I know this is a dumb question, but what homeroom teacher did you have?” He knew it was a dumb question but he was curious. He didn’t have many pleasant memories from middle school that didn’t involve a lot of yelling, crying and cutting. “I mean like, for seventh grade?”

“Oh, yea I didn’t know w-what you meant at f-first-um… I had M-Mr. Rab? You know that teacher that would  _ always _ wear vests to school?” Evan gave a nervous chuckle. 

“Yea, I had him too…” Connor looked over at Evan fiddling with the hem of shirt. “Where you the kid in the back of the classroom who never said anything and was always writing stuff?” 

“Yea.. I guess… W-where you that e-emo kid in the r-room that wore the same ripped j-jeans and My Chemical Romance for the whole year?” Evan replied. There was a pause. 

“Wow, I didn’t think you had it in you.” Connor laughed.

“H-had what?”  _ There’s his adorable (why am i so fucking gay) stuttering. _

“Nevermind,” Connor said, thinking of something to say. “So do you have a favorite song or something” Evan looked up. 

“Well-uh, yea but it’s not the  _ best  _ song I guess? I-I don’t listen to much mus-music so… I heard people talking about it before s-so I decided to check it out?” Evan drifted.

“Yea, I know exactly what song you’re talking about,” Connor said sarcastically. “No, actually I have no fucking idea what song you’re talking about.” Evan winced a bit. 

“It’s f-from a musical? I d-don’t listen to musicals r-really,” Evan held his breath. “uh… It’s called Wait for it? From t-the musical H-Hamilton… yea I know it’s probably stup-stupid… sorry… I just like it, because you know uh… Aaron Burr was seen as the bad guy of the s-story, but once y-you heard what he h-had to go through and stuff, he’s not a bad guy?” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Connor blurted. “Do you like, make music or something?”

“Uh… make a turn here and this is the forest I was talking about.” Evan changed the subject. Connor drove for a bit down the road and they arrived at the forest. Connor parked the car behind a tree. He got out and looked around. Trees everywhere, of many colors. Green, yellow, red, orange, brown, blue-wait that's sky. They got out of the car. Evan left his bag behind.

"I can see why you love this place so much," Connor said. "It's beautiful."  _ Not as beautiful as you, oh my fucking god that's so cringy kill me. _

"Yea, I used to go here a lot... until..." Evan drifted off as they started to walk to the forest. 

"Until?" Connor asked. Evan winced .

"Until-nothing... nevermind. I’m fine."  They walked into the forest. Evan looked really happy, but at the same, looked like he was trying to hide something. Connor tried to ignore it and just focus on the beautiful sights. Connor didn't realize how much he was missing out. Queens, New York isn’t the most beautiful place in the world, to be honest. Connor didn’t travel much now that he thought about it. He went skiing with his family for new years every year, but that was living hell. He wanted to come here again. The further into the forest they got, the freer they both felt. _This is so much better than fucking_ _science class_. 

The further they both got into the forest the freezer they both felt. Sometimes it’s important to sit down and take a break. Or in this case, take a walk with Evan in a forest.  _ This is so much better than fucking science class _ . At least here Connor could let Evan take the lead and not get weird looks and judged by peers from his staring at Evan. Connor loved the way he would ramble on for forever about trees and how he would sometimes mumble a word and try to fix it by saying again, but ending up just saying sorry a million times.  _ I could listen to him for hours, to be honest.  _ Evan pointed out a few of the rare trees here and there. And some to protect Connor.

"What's this?" Connor asked leaning over to pick up a branch.

"POISON OAK! DON'T TOUCH IT!" Evan ran and pulled on Connor's sweatshirt to stop him. Connor lost his balance and fell onto Evan, which made Evan fall onto the grass. There was a pause.

He looked up. His head was on Evan's chest. He propped himself up on his arm, to avoid making him tense. Both their faces turned bright red _. Jesus fucking Christ, he is cute. _ "Um, Connor?" Evan finally asked. Connor rolled off him and turned away to hide his blush.  

"Right-um sorry." Connor stood up, helped Evan up, and dusted him off. Evan made brief eye contact with him then looked back at his shoes. Connor looked at the way picked at his cast when he’s embarrassed. He put his hands in his pockets and took out a rubber band to fiddle with in between his fingers. They began to walk again, Connor following Evan. He tried to change to subject again. “I don’t think I’ve seen you in something other than polo shirts.”

“Y-yea… they’re comfortable I guess…” Another pause. “I don’t t-think I’ve seen y-you in some-something other than that hoodie and r-ripped jeans.” Connor tugged on his bag. 

“Not true,” Connor smirked. “On the first day of school, I didn’t wear  _ ripped _ jeans.” Evan laughed. Seeing Evan laugh was like watching your favorite movie for the first time. You don’t expect to love it so much, but you do. They reached a small creek. There were fish, ducks and other animals swimming in it.

“Oh, I forgot that this was here.” Evan forced a chuckle.

“It’s fine.” Connor then swiftly jumped from one stone to another making it to the other side of the creak. He looked over at Evan, who was trying to hold onto a branch while carefully placing his foot on the first stone. “Uhg, do I have to carry you across?” Connor joked. Evan looked up. His flourished red. He opened his mouth but couldn’t walk. Connor walked back over the rocks to where Evan was standing. He scooped Evan up from where he was standing. Connor placed his feet carefully on the stones and started to walk across. Evan clung to Connor’s shirt and barred his head in a nook of his neck.

“Y-you r-really don’t have to-have to- do t-this.” 

“Shut *huff* up.” Connor managed to get out as he was carefully carrying Evan across. He finally reaches the other side of the creek and set him down. Evan was speechless as Connor sat down on a tree stump to catch his breath. Connor knew it was a stupid idea, but he kinda loved the whole thing. His boots were covered in mud now.

“Th-th-thanks, um, I uh, s-s-sorry I uh, um,”

“It’s okay, just… gimme a sec to catch my breath.” Connor looked around himself. “Is there any dangerous plants I’m sitting on or something?” He brushed off dirt off his knees.

“Uh,” Evan looked around him. “Nope, y-you’re good.” He looked ahead. “We’re close to the, uh place I wanted to show you…” He said. Connor got up and started to walk in that direction with Evan.

“More walking? You’re gonna have to carry  _ me _ back if we go another mile.” Connor joked. The trees seemed to part as they reached an open field. They paused for a bit, admiring the view. They were in front of a steep hill. On a hill in the distance, there was a giant tree growing. Connor looked over at Evan, who yawned a bit. "Come'on handsome let's go."  _ Wait, shit what did I just say? Handsome? HANSEN I SAID HANSEN YEA. _

"Wh-what?" Evan stuttered.

"I SAID HANSEN SHUT UP." Connor ran into the field. He tripped, fell backwards, but didn't get up. Evan ran after him. He heard Connor laughing to himself. 

"Are you o-okay? I-I saw you t-trip and y-you didn't g-get up, I'm sorry-is your back f-fine? W-we can go If you-If you want-"

"I'm fine Evan." Connor tugged on Evans' arm, pulling him to lay down with him. It was quiet. just the wind, the trees and a few forest animals here and there. It was so peaceful. Connor looked over at Evan. Evan looked so relaxed and calm... and tired. "You ok?" Connor sat up. 'You look  _ really _ tired." Evan was focused on the life around him before shifting his gaze to Connor. 

"Y-yea, I g-guess I am... I-I don't g-get much sleep, be-because, um, you know, a-anxiety." Evan mumbled. "It's p-probably lunch t-time, I n-normally take a-a nap in the n-nurse's office." Evan forced a chuckle. “So, I-I guess I’m off my-my sleep pattern or-or something…” There was a pause.  _ Shit, what should I say? You can take a nap right now? _

"You can take a nap here if you want. I'll just be here drawing in my sketchbook," Connor patted his bag. "I'll keep an eye out for any creeps." 

“Y-you sure?” Connor gave a slight nod. Evan then leaned to the other side and fell asleep fast. Connor could tell he was asleep because he was mumbling words he couldn't make out every few seconds. Evan didn't move much in his sleep. Only a little kick, or turn. Connor pulled out his sketchbook and pencil but didn't draw anything. Evan then turned and faced Connor, still asleep. _ Shit, what do you do when a cute boy falls asleep next to you. Oh my fucking god, Zoe's gonna kill me for this _ . Connor nudged himself a bit closer to Evan, in which his response was to hold onto Connor's arm lightly. shit shit shit shit this is not better. Connor slowly rested his sketchbook aside. He looked back at Evan, who was a lot closer than he was before and barred his head in a nook of Connor's neck. Connor didn't know what to do so he just put his arm on Evans back.  _ This is so gay. Is Evan gay? He's probably straight. No, he's definitely bi... please be bi _ . Their legs intertwined. Connor was left to his own thoughts for a whole hour until Evan woke up.  _ He’s gonna hate me for this. _

Evan pulled away from Connor's neck. Connor looked just as surprised as Evan did. Evan looked down at Connor's arm draped around him. Then their legs intertwined with each other. Then his own arms holding onto Connor's sweatshirt. Both their faces flourished red. 

"Um..." Evan started. he pushed himself away from Connor. "S-sorry I didn't mean to-" Evan sat up and hugged his knees to hide his blush. 

"Yea...uh, it's fine," Connor said pretending like nothing just happened. "Hey, uh," Connor tried to change the subject. "Do you want to go climb that tree or something? We have like, three hours until school ends, so..." Connor drifted. “And my parents couldn’t care less when I get home, long as i'm there in the morning I guess…”

“Yea… my mom is r-really b-busy at work… and-and she wants me t-to hang out if f-friends more I guess…” Another pause.

“So, do you  _ want _ to climb that tree, or tell me your whole life story?” Connor smirked.

"Yea, uh sure." They both got up and raced to the tallest tree. When they got there, Evan started scattering up it like a squirrel. He looked down at Connor who had no idea where to start and offered his hand. 

"Are you sure you can climb trees with that arm?" Evan looked over at his cast.

"Y-yea I'll be f-fine." Connor garbed onto Evan’s arm. “OWWWW!”

“Oops sorry.” Connor let go.

“It’s uh, fine…” Evan looked around Connor. “Put your feet here and…” He guided Connor up the tree. They climbed to a point where they decided to sit on a branch. They just talked and took in the view. Everything was perfect. The breeze, the little noises from the animals, the sound of the creek nearby… but something inside Evan looked warry. Connor looked down. There was a patch of shorter grass below them, kinda Evan sized.

"Is this where you fell from?" Evan winced. He looked over at Connor, then back at the grass.  _ Fuck. I should have said something else. _

"Yea um... but..."Evan mumbled. "I, uh... I didn't.... um..." Tears were now falling off Evan's face.  _ Fuck. I fucked up. _ "I um... I let go." It was silent. Connor didn't know how to respond, he knew what that felt like, but he didn't know what to say. Thoughts were flying through his head. Everything was moving and everything was still. He was in that back void he was in before. He better do something because if not then it’ll look like he doesn’t care, he cares  _ a lot _ actually, what should he say, what should he do? He turned to Evan, whose face was all red and full of tears. Connor reached out and lifted Evan’s chin up and-

kissed him. 

Connor pulled away immediately.

"Sorry that wasn't-" Evan kissed him back. They were going to be there for a while. 


	5. Connor's Apartment

Evan rested his head in a nook of Connor’s neck. His arms were around Connor, and Connor draped his arms around him. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that…” Connor drifted. Evan chuckled a bit.

“I can imagine…” He mumbled. They sat there snuggling in the tree, enjoying the view. The yellow grass blew in the wind, the trees too. Leaves falling all the seasons changed from summer to autumn. The creak from up ahead splashed against the rocks and few animals in it. Connor took out his phone from his bag. 4:20 it said. They have been in that tree for two hours apparently.

“Hey,” Connor nudged Evan a bit. Evan pulled away and looked at Connor. “It’s getting a bit late, we should head back?” Evan nodded and yawned. He sat up and watched as Connor started to climb down the tree. He followed. Evan was about two meters off the ground when Connor finally got down. “Hey, wanna do a trust fall thing? You fall back and I’ll catch you!” Evan hesitated before agreeing. He let go of the tree. Suddenly a wave of darkness and memories came flooding back in for a split second. Connor caught him, and the awful feeling washed away.  Connor set Evan down. “You okay? You looked terrified for a second there?” Evan looked up at him and smiled.

“It’s just… bad m-memories of letting go… it’s okay though, you’re here with me…” Connor smiled back. They started to walk to the car from where they came from, with their fingers laced together. Connor helped Evan across the creek, but this time he didn’t carry him. They walked through the hallo forest as the sun started to set, and the breeze started to stir.

“…um, so you know that letter,” Evan paused. “i-in the computer l-lab?” His voice was soft. Connor gave a slight nod. There was a pause. “Um… that was for a t-therapy class… I assume that y-you read i-it a million t-times though…” Connor laughed to himself.

“Um, yea I did… sorry.”The wind blew and gave them both chills.

“I-It’s okay… um, you k-know when I uh, um… wrote about someone a-and all my hope is uh, pinned on them?” Evan looked at Connor. Evan always loved Connor’s eyes. A soft blueish-green blend. The first time he looked really into his eyes was when he was signing his cast. Time seemed to pause then. “Th-that-I, I was uh, writing about you…” Connor grew a soft smile on his lips. Kinda subtle, and perfect, and real. He didn’t know what to say, he was speechless. He leaned over and pressed a small kiss onto Evan’s forehead.

“I honestly don’t know what to say.” Connor yawned.

“It’s o-okay, you don’t have t-to say anything…” Evan replied. They reached the car. Connor looked back at his phone. 5:17 it read. Connor started the car and drove out from behind the tree. Evan checked his phone, that was left in his backpack, in the car. _5 Missed calls from “Mom”_. Evan signed.

 

**From: Evan     To: Mom**

**Hey, sorry that I missed your calls, I was hanging out with a friend. (5:17)**

 

Evan turned off his phone and set his bag down before she replied.

 

**From: Mom     To: Evan**

**Hi honey, that’s great! Are you with Jared? I’ll be working late, so you can stay over his house if you’d like. (5:18)**

 

**From: Evan     To: Mom**

**Thanks, I’m with Connor right now actually, we hung out in the forest I went to for the camp thing last summer? (5:18)**

 

Connor looked over at Evan. “Who you texting?” He asked. Evan looked up.

“M-My mom, she says that I can stay over your house? I-if that’s o-okay w-with you of course.” Evan said. Connor cocked an eyebrow.

“Yea, well, I don’t exactly have a door, so that removes a list of things we could do.” Evan laughed a bit.

 

**From: Mom     To: Evan**

**Great! Have fun sweetie (5:19)**

 

It took Connor twice as long to get home than it did to get there. This is because Evan fell asleep on the ride home and Connor didn’t know the countryside very well. The country faded away as they entered the city again. Connor always kinda loved the sound of the city at rush hour. Most people complain about the annoying noises from the cars and clutter, but Connor was a city kid at heart.

 

It was around 6:20 when they finally got to Connor’s apartment and parked on the side of the road. “Psst. Ev, we’re at my place… Evan, wake up.” He whispered. Evan’s eyelids fluttered a bit as he woke up. “Wake up before my parents think I have a fucking body in the car.” Evan forced a laugh as he stretched and stepped out of the car. “Just, don’t look like you took a nap after we made out.”

“Wh-what?”

“Pffftt nothing.” Connor laughed. They were outside a coffee house, which leads to Connor’s apartment. They stepped inside and headed towards the stairs around the back. Evan saw a few people he knew from school but avoided eye-contact. By the steps was the InterCall or the buzzer. He pressed the button for 20A, the penthouse. “It’s me, Connor, let me in.” He said hastily. There was a pause before the door clicked and unlocked. They walked into a small hallway which lies two elevators and twenty flights of stairs. He looked over at Evan. “Uh, are you good with elevators or do they make you anxious and stuff?” Evan fiddled with the strap from his backpack. “Because like, I don’t know about you but I’m not walking up twenty fucking flights of stairs.

“Um, y-yea I’m o-okay with ele-elevators.” Connor nodded and walked over and pushed the button to go up. The doors opened and they stepped inside. Connor waited for Evan to walk in before he pressed the button for the penthouse. Evan felt his stomach drop ad the elevator started to move. Evan held his breath. Connor noticed the anxious look on his face and turned to help him.

“Y-you okay? You look _really_ anxious.” He started to rub circles on his back to calm him down.  Evan let out a few short breaths.

“Y-yea I’m f-fine, ‘cause why-why wouldn’t I be-be-be fine? R-right? Like-like this is my-my first t-time doing something-something like t-this, and now-and now I’m going to-to your apart-apartment and, and, and I’m s-sorry I’m making it-it-it weird, y-you prob-probably hate me-me or some-something, I uh” Connor cut im off there.

“I don’t fucking  hate you.” He was holding Evan’s face. There was a slight pause. “If I hated you, this wouldn’t be happening.” Evan tugged on the hum of his shirt, then looked back up at Connor. “I’ll _never_ hate you.”

“Really?” The sound of destress in Evan’s voice sent chills down Connor’s back.

“Of course…” Evan smiled and let out a breath. “I mean unless you turn out to be a fucking murder or something.”  They both laughed a bit as the elevator doors opened. Connor put his hands in his pockets and stepped out. He knocked on the door, then walked in.  

“Hey, Connor,” Cynthia, Connor’s mom peeked from inside the kitchen.

“Hey Connor-” Zoe walked down the hall. She looked at Evan, then back at Connor. “Evan?” She blurted.

“Yea, uh we made out-up! We made up!” Evan winced. He started to pick at his cast. Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Zoe replied. Connor furrowed his eyebrows. He looked over at Cynthia to get her attention.

“Hey, uh Evan’s mom is busy and stuff, so he’s staying over tonight so…” Zoe crossed her arms.

“Okay honey, dinner’s almost ready, Evan did you eat yet?” Evan opened his mouth but couldn’t speak, so he just shook his head. “That’s alright, we always have leftovers anyways.” She said as she set the table. “Zoe, can you tell your father that dinner’s ready?” Zoe nodded and went around the corner to the garage. Connor went up the stairs to put his bag in his room.

“Evan, Come’on. Let’s put our bags in my room.” Evan nodded as he followed him up the steps. It was strange to Evan to see a bedroom without a door on it. Connor walked over to his bed and plopped down his bag, Evan rested his aside. Connor’s room was a dark grey color, with some papers around his bed of drawings he liked. On his nightstand lay a lamp, a pencil cup, a book and a few other miscellaneous items. There were T-Shirts scattered across the floor and the ceiling fan was broken. Near the door was a basket of clean clothes and besides, it was a pile of dirty ones, mainly consisting of sweatshirts and band shirts. On his desk, there was a spiral sketchbook with a drawing of a small model in front of it. On the desk drawers, was stickers from Tito's burritos, a ski place, and some band stickers. Connor turned around to face Evan. He found his arms around his waist and-

“Yo, dinner’s ready.” Zoe popped in and cocked an eyebrow.

“YEA, there’s just a lot of, um dust on your shirt, uh” Connor started to dust off Evan’s shirt trying to make it look like nothing was happening. Both of their faces turned a bright hue of red. Evan tried to laugh it off a bit but made it a bit more awkward.

 

* * *

 

 

Dinner was no better. Evan sat down next to Connor, across from Zoe. On the ends of the table sat Larry and Cynthia. Zoe had an extra seat next to her. Cynthia made Salmon, rice and green beans. Not the most special meal, just something casual.

“So… Evan, how’s school? You get good grades?” Larry, Connor’s father, broke the silence.

“Uh, um I uh-” Evan was shaking a bit before Connor held his hand secretly under the table. Evan took a breath. “Y-yea. I got a ninety-five on my m-math test… so… um…” Evan drifted.

“That’s so great! Your parents must be so proud!” Cynthia said. Evan looked down at his food.

“Um… yea…” Evan looked over at Connor’s plate, he didn’t eat much yet either. Evan didn’t like talking about his parents, it was complicated and made him anxious.

“Evan lives with his mom.” Connor blurted. Evan mouthed a little ‘thank you’. Connor gave a slight nod.

“Aw, that must be rough,” Cynthia said. Evan’s grip on Connor’s hand tightened a bit.

“Yea… I’d r-rather not talk about-about it, sorry.” Zoe Looked over at Connor, then Evan then back to Connor again. She had an idea of what was going on. She held out her fork and dropped it onto the floor.

“Whoops, I dropped my fork.” Evan and Connor immediately took their hands apart. Evan brought his arm to his chest. Zoe picked up her fork and continued with dinner. Some side conversations here and there about Larry’s work and Zoe’s upcoming science project. Connor pushed out his chair.

“Can Evan and I be excused?” He didn’t know why he was being so polite this evening. Normally dinners ended with him arguing with his mom about something, then him storming off into his room.

“Uh- sure sweetie. Just put your plate in the kitchen.” Needless to say, she was also surprised that he was being polite. Connor nodded and motioned for Evan to follow him. They took their plates into the kitchen and put them next to the sink. They then headed to Connor’s room to hang out. Evan and Connor laid on his bed and just played games on their phones. Connor took a soda from his nightstand from earlier. After an hour or so Cynthia came in.

“Hey honey,” She stood in the doorway. “Your father and I agreed to put your door back on for tonight, so you and Evan could have a bit of privacy.” Evan winced, Connor almost spat out his drink. What the _actual fuck mom? Was it that obvious?! Did Zoe tell her?!_ MEH

“What?” Connor sat up. Evan clung to his phone and brought it to his chest. Both of their faces flourished red. Evan tried to hide his blush with is pone.

“This is just so Evan doesn't feel uncomfortable, I’d think that you’d be happy to get your door back.” Connor laid back and put his arm over his eyes and gestured with his other hand.

“It’s not that I…, not that…” Connor talked a lot with his hands. “Nevermind… thanks.” Evan shivered a bit. Connor looked around, he didn’t realize how cold it was in his room. He always liked the cold and wore long sleeves but Evan was wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt. He sighed and grabbed a hoodie that was hanging on the side of his bed. “Uh, here. Sorry that my room’s so fucking cold.” Evan forced a chuckle as he put on the sweatshirt. He zipped it up and relaxed a bit.

 

* * *

 

 

Larry later came in to put Connor’s door back in. He screwed the door back in. “It doesn’t have a lock, to make sure you don’t do anything crazy.” Evan buried his head in the sweater. Larry cave Connor a confused look. Connor clapped his hands and stood up.

“OKAY! Thanks for the door and the awkwardness shit and everything,” He started to close the door. “Fucking leave now bye…” He shut the door on Larry’s face. Evan peeked out of his hoodie.

“Connor-” Larry started.

“Are you going to leave yet?” Connor turned around to Evan and leaned on the door. Footsteps faded away as they left the door. Connor folded his arms and looked over at Evan lying on his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took a bit to make, I was updating other chapters, sorry, uh, thanks for reading!


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I didn't see this fic going anywhere and I didn't want to orphan it, so here.

Evan and Connor dated for about a month before finally telling Zoe, Alana, and Jared. Well, actually Jared walked in on them watching a scary movie and Evan was cuddled up beside Connor and you know how that turned out. idk how to end this, I never made a multi-chapter fic like this before, sorry.

 

* * *

 

 

Author's note:

Sorry that I had to cut this fic short or something, I honestly didn't have anything planned and idk where it was going. Sorry, I didn't want to orphan the work or anything, so  I decided to end it short? sorry again. I might give it a proper ending or something in the future, but for now idk. This fic wasn't really good to begin with, it was rushed and I feel like it would have just been better as a shorter one-shot.

Thanks for reading! 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for short chapter, I'll try to write longer ones in the furure!


End file.
